9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
You Might Also Like
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA