Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
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Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Saving my good tweets for marriage
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.