We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
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In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place