So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
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Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL