[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
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Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING