What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
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1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around