Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
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My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*