Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
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After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.