Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
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[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I have a new favorite meme page
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*