Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
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Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Legend 🤣🤣
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES