I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
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I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Ken is short for chicken
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Who wants to be my Valentine?
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously