I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
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*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.