Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
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Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Seas the day!!!!
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Education is vital