I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
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My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”