Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
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Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
*puts cutlery down*
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!