“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
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Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
“How’s your day going?”
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)