If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
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At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
A family that plays together cheats.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
plums roundup
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.