Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
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Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
sleeping beauty
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
This forever.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.