Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
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The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
gm
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
My wife gives the best headache.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok