cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
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♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
*exercises sarcastically*
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive