I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
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Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
crying
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Fiction has to make sense.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!