The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
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A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.