*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
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The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
5 ways to appear taller
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf