I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
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Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five