One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
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Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?