When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
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Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing