Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
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Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory