Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
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I put the mess in domestic.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t