I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
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If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.