Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
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I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
BRAKING NEWS!!
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?