OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
You Might Also Like
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason