I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
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a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Hot Hot Hot
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp