a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
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Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip