Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
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me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
the last thing a carrot sees
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up