My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
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ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Single and childfree like Jesus
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye