didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
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uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Bring back the McRib
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!