Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
You Might Also Like
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Can’t stop laughing
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe