I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
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My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!