I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
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The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
they split up moments later
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.