At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
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If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
wtf is a larm clock?
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.