restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
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I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’