Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
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People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.