them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
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If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for