I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
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HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
hackers play passwordle
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday