15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
You Might Also Like
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
why isn’t he texting back
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence