Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
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from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Autocorrect completely socks
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.