[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
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I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M