When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Only Americans understand
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins