What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
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me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket