[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
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C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
For the orator and chef in all of us
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings